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No One Cares

When I was a child, I took swimming lessons and completed the Rookie Lifeguard Programme. As one of the exercises, the instructor would shout at us “Who’s the most important person?” and we would all shout back at him in unison, “Yourself!”. In a situation where someone’s life is in danger, I was taught to still put my own survival above the person I was saving in order to prevent a further casualty.

I believe this applies to more than just life or death scenarios and in the broader context of life, you should prioritise yourself because the harsh reality is no one else really cares.

In a sense, we are all metaphorically drowning under the pressures of modern life. The struggles of relationships, work, and identity all seem inescapable and never-ending at times, as if we are clawing to stay above water. If you were drowning, the only thoughts you would be able to think would be that of survival and instinct; not a single brain cell would be wasted on another person.

My point is, everyone is so constantly self-invested that they do not have time to stop to worry about the needs, let alone wants, of others.

The Catcher in the Rye is a novel that navigates teenage alienation and struggles of identity. The narrator is so painfully alone and helpless, the whole read is a sympathy driven guilt trip. He thinks to himself, while talking to his history teacher: “Sometimes I act a lot older than I am - I really do - but people never notice it. People never notice anything.”

This, combined with the very one-sided nature of the narration, implies just how frightening yet necessary it is to navigate life as a growing person all alone in the big world. Admittedly, it’s easy to get caught up in worry about whereabouts you fit in amongst everyone else, but I think there’s a certain comfort to be found in realising that everyone else feels the same way.

You are not alone in feeling alone.

I don’t think that the self-centredness of humanity is an inherently bad thing or something we should strive to change. The negatives only arise when you are ignorant to the fact that everyone faces the same lonely reality. Understanding this fact helped me to grow a lot more confident in myself and stop caring what other people think.

We by Yevgeny Zamyatin touches on loneliness in a different way. We follow the protagonist as he becomes wise to the totalitarian regime in which he lives; as he understands the falseness of his reality, he becomes alienated amongst the oppressed proletariat.

With his newfound realisations, he starts to view himself as a criminal and see all the things wrong with himself: “At that moment I was the very same little boy who once wept because of a tiny ink-stain on his unif, which no one else could see. Even if it be so, if nobody sees that I am covered with black, ineffaceable stains, I know it, do I not?”

In a sense, he is a man whose shirt is covered in the stains of his sins and wrongdoings, but no one can actually see that of him, only he can see them. He is conscious of something Thomas Gilovich calls the spotlight effect.

The spotlight effect is a psychological phenomenon whereby people, because they are always in their own head and the centre of their own world, forget that they are not the centre of everyone else’s world. In doing so, they tend to overestimate the degree to which people will notice and care about their actions. By understanding and attempting to combat this, you can take steps to forgo and overcome fear of what other people may think about you.

Wear the new outfit, sing along to the song playing on the radio at the supermarket, skip whimsically along the city street because ultimately, no one cares. Try to think back to the last person you noticed on the street for standing out or acting out of the ordinary. Likely, you can’t and if you can, you probably never gave them a second thought after first noticing them.

Don’t overthink what other people think of you, because they probably aren’t thinking anything.

But for those who do choose to care about you despite their own drowning, treasure them. Never take for granted the few people who deeply support and love you because they are few and really the only ones keeping you from being truly alone.

Likewise, be there for others. Don’t take people for granted and, if you have the time, go out of your way to make them feel seen. In a world of self-importance to be seen and noticed by someone else is to truly be loved. Give that gift to others as often as you can, whether it’s a thoughtful gift or just choosing to spend time with someone, it goes a long way in building connection and helping others feel appreciated. I’ve found the easiest way to do this is to just be vocal with your thoughts. If you notice something different about someone, compliment it - a virtually effortless, genuine way to really impact someone.

Be the person who does care, amongst a world of people who don’t.

Sources, references and further readings:

#Perspective #Society #Relationships