Don't try to change people
I’d argue every single person living on earth is fundamentally driven by selfishness to some degree. Perhaps there are some high, spiritual monk exceptions but in a sense, I believe they are still doing it for themselves. Every single action has even the smallest origins in self-interest.
Is selfishness always the answer? Is selflessness better than selfishness in some cases? Is it better at all? I think those are the bigger questions.
But, I think if there was to be one thing beyond all of these questions it is that you should not try to push your own views onto others.
You shouldn’t try and change someone because you want them to be a certain way, that’s completely backwards. You should appreciate people for who they decide to be, because that is perhaps one of the hardest things in life: finding yourself.
Change in life is not a bad thing, in fact quite the opposite. It’s truly beautiful when someone chooses to venture out of their current, comfortable identity in order to grow and feel more genuine - to “find their inner self” if you will. But, when change is forced or merely even suggested by someone else, it’s no longer genuine and now moves them backwards on their journey to self-acceptance and self-sincerity.
That is the selfless outlook on the situation, but the outcome is much the same viewed through a selfish perspective.
You become friends with someone because you like who they are. If you attempt to change them, then are they really the same person that you thought you could grow beside and feel comfortable around?
If you constantly require change of someone because you think you can improve them or want different of them, you’ll end up just hating them completely as a mismatch of ideals you ultimately realise don’t work together.
The natural counter-argument: I’m confident I can change someone for the better and I know they would live a better life if they became who I wanted them to be.
While, disregarding all human feelings, they may objectively (whatever that even means) become a better person, you can’t just disregard all human feelings. The changed-for-the-better person is now acting out a lie, which is both unsustainable for them and, on a spiritual level, extremely draining. Just as surely as they will not become better, they will have in fact changed for the worse - for both you and themselves.
What is the moral of the story here? You’ve got to learn to appreciate people for who they are and who they want to become. People deserve to be themselves, it’s both better for them and you if you grow alongside them and embrace their own personal changes.
Now the question is: how exactly do you do this? You don’t wish more of them in your mind (because this will, in one way or another, eventually project outwards), you realise you became friends, fell in love with or appreciated the person they were before you even came along, and you certainly don’t directly ask them to change themselves.
You should really come to understand that every little thing about a person makes the lovable partner, the good friend or the interesting person that they are, including (and maybe even especially) their negatives. No one is perfect. It’s almost as if accept this person because their negatives outweigh their positives.
Likewise, don’t change for anyone. If someone wants more from you or suggests you should act or be a certain way, realise that it’s a lose-lose situation. Both you and them will end up hating yourself in one way or another. You will become less genuine to your authentic, true self and as a result you will be a more unhappy person to be around.
- Inspired by: Don’t change for anyone - YouTube